Another Fucking Gay Awakening???
Welcome to heaux diaries ♡
Now imagine my surprise when I (F, 27, in a monogamous relationship with a man)… realize I’m happy… but still daydreaming about the gworls…
Immediately I knew… its time for yet another fucking gay awakening. If you’re new here, my sexuality has been a clusterf-ck of a journey (thanks to being raised in the Church!)
If you’re not ready for some tough love, exit stage left cause I’m about to drag both of us (with love). This week, Julia Fox came out as lesbian and honestly… anyone queer was not surprised lol. In true Sex & Dating Editor form, I have to use this moment to discuss compulsive heterosexuality so let’s dive in.
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Oh wait! Before we dive into the full tea, can I just say I am floored at how many of us are going through this too? The irony? Many of us are in straight-passing or heteronormative relationships dayyyyyydreaming about wimmenz which honestly.. speaks to how iconic women are… and how much we’re suppressing our truth.
“My suppressed desires could no longer be ignored : ( “
As always, when grappling with my existential thoughts, I did the most Gen Z thing ever.. posted to my Instagram story about what felt like another gay awakening on the horizon. Per usual, the replies made me feel right at home — and requested an article so here we are!
Baby’s first gay awakening
First, let me take it all the way back. When I came out at 21 years old, I thought I was a lesbian. [Insert collective laugh here] From being a size queen to later, only wanting to eat p-ssy for the rest of my life, I have gone through all the phases of sexuality and exploration — so I thought. But while struggling with how I identify, I've always known one truth: sexuality is fluid.
Thanks to the “Master” of sex research, Alfred Kinsey, we know that sexuality is a spectrum, saving many of us from years in the proverbial closet. Due to that research, I've always given myself a certain level of grace when discovering myself. Yet, I constantly have to drag myself back out of the closet??? Sigh.
So, when did I start liking girlies, you ask? My earliest memory? Somewhere between Britney Spears’ Toxic music video and Missy from Bring It On. So, senior year of college, I took two courses, Psychology of Romantic Relationships, and Human Sexual Behavior, and that was the year that really solidified for me that sex, relationships and the mind were my steez. The other realization? “Holy shit, I’m gay as fuck.” So duh, you’re a lesbian.. right? Looking back all I can think is, “Oh sweetie… bless your heart.”
Oh by the way, definitely recommend watching Masters of Sex on HBO if you want to dive into the research behind fucking — while watching people fuck.
So… you like dick?
Not even a full year into realizing I was queer I noticed “Oh you still like dick babe…” I knew I was sexually attracted to (some) men (and wanted them to fold me like a pretzel) but when it came to the people attached to the dick, that's where I'd lose the plot. Romantic love? Yes. But get married, merge my life with the man… carry their child? Eh…
I noticed when I gave myself the room to think — authentically — and not fearfully, I'm like, “No, you do like men. And women, too.” But it’s not even about gender. I don't care if my lover(s) acknowledge or reject the gender binary. I'm more attracted to my emotional connection with said person and feeling safe with them. And that my friend is pansexuality : )
Suppressing my desire to date women (as I look at my boyfriend awkwardly)
So where’s the gay awakening you’re prob wondering? Brace yourself.
Recently, I was dating a man, a lovely trans man (shoutout to Mr. Pisces) and I noticed that I definitely love women more than I thought I did. I was definitely a “My man, my man, my man” kinda gyal. But within a few weeks, I noticed he would subtly drop comments about me being a lesbian and immediately I knew I was repeating a cycle that 2019 me had already navigated. Isn’t that strange? That your partners can just smell closeted sexuality on you? Like, I couldn’t even be mad cause… this has happened before. (I’m sorry but this is so funny like… not you being so closeted you forgot you’re queer BUT THE WHOLE WORLD CAN TELL BABES).
Now, some of it was def my partner’s hatred for lesbians and a fear of the girlies taking his girl (which definitely happened lmao) but on the flip side, the pressure was getting worse. I couldn’t help but realize… I struggle with hella-compulsive heterosexuality. What’s that you ask? Oh, “the idea that society pressures people to conform to heterosexual norms, and that being anything else is seen as abnormal or deviant.” Which is why, every few years, I pop out with a man because subconsciously, I’m trying so hard to fit into what society deems acceptable — because I’ve struggled to accept myself. Hard pill to swallow, but beautiful epiphany nonetheless.
I sometimes wondered if I could be in a primary/life partnership with a woman. And I don't know if it's because I want life partnership with a woman versus a man or versus somebody who's nonbinary, gender queer, etc. I think I just concluded that I love masc-presenting people. It's not just women I have the desire to date. That desire is just front of mind because.. well... it’s the only need not being met right now. And what’s even worse, is I’ve been suppressing that desire due to societal rules — which is not the way I want to live my life. So, I have a lot to work on, but I can rest assured knowing Gigi is (here come the fucking labels) a pansexual, polyamorous femme.
If you’re on a similar journey:
I share all this to say that we’re clearly all on a similar journey and it’s okay to talk about it! I love that we freely have these conversations in the DMs because after all, if you can’t talk to the girls about it, who the fuck can you talk to?? The women generations before us had to lie and say they had a fucking “roommate” or “bestie” knowing damn well they were routinely blowing each other’s backs out. The point is that you don’t have to suppress your desires!
Also: gay awakenings don't stop just because you have a partner
If you're suppressing that urge, that little queer voice in your head will only grow louder. Remember, this is your life and you can curate it as you please. There are tons of polyamorous/non-monogamous couples that are queer. The beauty of being queer is that you can make your own rules. Obvi, there’s a lot that will go into it from couples therapy to elevating communication, and that’s okay. Have a fucking ball doing it < 3
Ugh, what a breakthrough in the sexuality department (!!)
I love you!
G ♡
